Between Brothers and Beliefs (rewrite)
by kelseyberg333
Summary: Tortured. That's what me and this creature have in common. That's why I'm here, standing amid my brothers and the beast. "Last chance, stand down Michelangelo." Leo ordered. This is where life has brought me, this is where I take my stand, "No."
1. Chapter 1

It should have been just a regular evening in the sewers of New York City. Like old times before I lost my arm, before I took a life. A time when my brothers didn't view me as broken both mentally and physically. It has been nearly a year since Donnie was forced to amputate my arm and in all actuality I am basically over it. I've adapted as Raph would say; I can do almost everything I could do before I was taken captive.

And yet as I step into the warmth of the bathroom to clean of the sweat of today's training Leo still calls out to me, "Leave the door unlocked". As if I'm new to my situation and cannot manage to bathe without the option of help. No matter how many times I shout back at him that I will not need any assistance, he always replies with a "I know that Mikey. It's more for my comfort" and a fake smile that reveals his lies. After all that has happened they don't trust me to be alone.

Through all of the suffering and pain I've come out on top , but they don't see that. I wonder why as I stare into the mirror and decide to lock the door anyways. Of course my arm hasn't grown back like I've secretly been hoping for it to do, but I have put on more muscle, gain a little weight, got back to my normal shade of green. Not to mention that I just try harder at everything: training, cooking, skating, you name it! Master Splinter has said time and time again that I am excelling far beyond what I have in the past.

My thoughts continue as I step under the faucet and let the cold water pour over my aching body. I have to excel as sensei puts it, I can't risk being captured again; I don't think I would survive. I barely made it out alive last time. I remember the pain growing so intense that I could no longer breath through it as I was taught to do. Every bone snapping, every slice to my skin was still fresh in my mind. The darkness taking over as the scene around me blurred, I knew I was dying. Towards the end I stopped willing away the clouds that ogged my mind, i could feel my body shutting down part by part. I wanted it, I wanted the pain to end…

A loud bang snapped me out of my memories, the water was scalding hot.

"Com on Mikey! Other people wanna shower!" Raph's gruff voice sliced through my ears.

"Yeah, almost done dude. Don't get your undies in a bunch!" I called back as cheerfully as I could manage.

I quickly rinsed the suds off my body, though I don't actually remember scrubbing myself, and stepped out. I fastened my mask on with ease and equipped the rest of my gear before abandoning the bathroom. Raph was outside the door looking a little more than annoyed, but I could see the worry that lie within his eyes.

"Took ya long enough knucklehead." His eyes stared right into mine, know that my body was fine, but wondering about my mind. "Leo was about to bust the door down."

"I was only in there a few minutes." I glanced around for Leo.

"He's talkin' to Splinter before he heads out."

Splinter was heading on a trip to no one knows where, for no one knows how long, because no one knows why. He wont tell us anything about this trip besides that it's important, and that he'll be home for the holidays.

"And you were in there for almost twenty minutes. You okay?" Still his green eyes looked intently into mine.

"I'm all good man! Just enjoying being squeaky clean!" I smiled and gave a thumbs up.

He looked me up and down once more before shrugging, "You better have left some hot water."

And with that he disappeared into the bathroom.

* * *

The fall air was calm and a bit chilly as I hopped between rooftops calling back to my brothers, "Come on dudes! At least try to keep up!"

My feet lost contact with the roof as I leaped to another one enjoying the freedom. The city was beautiful tonight, lights lit the streets below illuminating every crevice. The trees that were scattered around had lost their green hue, turning a rainbow of warm colors. Kids running home were still eating candy bars they had earned trick-or-treating earlier this week. All seemed right.

I was just about to fly off another building when, "Mikey , slow down before you hurt yourself!"

Leo's voice was so sudden and so stern that it caught me mid leap. I felt myself instinctively stop though my body was still in motion, my was balance gone. I wobbled towards the edge of the building preparing to fall, searching for a way to catch myself. Instantly I felt strong pair of arms wrap around me pulling me backwards so I fall backwards instead.

I land not on the hard roof top, but onto the lap of none other than Donnie. He smiles at me before giving me a light shove to get off of him. I stand up and reach out to help him up, he takes it and turns to face Leo- probably to scold him for calling out to me mind jump. Not wanting to be a part of this I move to take off.

"Mikey." Leo growels a waring. His face is hard, lips a tight line. I smile sheepishly and wave, he doesn't lighten up.

My face drops dramatically, "You're no fun anymore bro." I whine.

Leo's eyes fill with fire, ignited by pure concern for me, "Fun isn't going to keep you alive, so stay close to at least one of us."

I look down silently, more aggravated than embarrassed. Leo has been the worst since the incident. He blames himself, as he always does, but really in was no one's fault but my own. I didn't have to go back for them, I could have ran and gotten Master Splinter. Returned with backup, formed a plan, but no. I was in the exit, I could feel the fresh air on my skin, yet the shouts of my wounded brothers called me back. And I ran to them fully aware that I wasn't going to make it out, but they were ands that's what mattered.

A sturdy arm draped itself over my shoulder, "Chill out fearless, Shredder's dead remember?" Raph chimed in.

My shoulders dropped a little at this. Though I would never say it outloud, I'm not proud of killing the poor man. Shredder was a tortured soul. He had lost all that he loved and truly believed that Yoshi had robbed him of his happy ending. Killing Shredder to me was like killing a shark that attacked out of blind hunger. I knew that he was evil and had to be stopped, but I never wanted to be the one to do it. We all thought that that burden would eventually fall onto Leo-if not Splinter- but never me. I was never meant to become a killer.

"Shredder is gone, but there are other threats out there" Leo softened "The fact that Miley killed Shredder is why I want him so close, just because their master is dead…"

"Doesn't mean the Foot Clan is dormant." Donnie butted in. "Sorry Mikey, I'm with Leo on this one. The higher ups of the foot clan will probably be looking for revenge on whoever killed their master i.e. you" He smiled apologeticly.

"So until this all blows over you need to stay unreasonably close when we're above ground." Leo stated, turning away to indicate that this conversation was over.

I sighed, "I was 'unreasonably close to you when this whole thing started." I whispered mostly to myself.

Leo spun around, What was that Michelangelo?"

Feeling defiant I raised my eyes to meet his about to repeat my previous statement. But something in his deep blue eyes stopped me. They say that eyes can speak a thousand words, his only hid one. Guilt. My teeth sunk into my bottom lip effectively stopping the words to fall from my mouth.

"I was just saying how we can still have fun while I stay close to you." I whimpered pathetically, widening my eyes for my signature puppy eyes.

Leo melted, "How?"

I saw his eyes widen as a bounced forward, tapped him on the chest, called out "you're it", then grabbed Raph (to appease Leo's proximity rules) and took off dragging Raph along with me.

I heard Donnie say, "You brought it upon yourself" Then the sound of his footsteps joined ours.

I could hear the smile in his voice as Leo reluctantly-but happily- counted to ten before taking off after us.

For nearly an hour we ran from one another, no thoughts of the past trespassing upon us. We were normal brothers playing tag for a short while. Then as Donnie was just inches away from tagging Raph, an ear piercing shriek ripped through the night air like a knife. Raph skidded to a stop causing Donnie to slam into him, knocking the both into a tangled mess. Leo jumped over to pull apart our cursing brothers. I however was on top of a small rooftop water tower looking out over the city in the direction of the scream.

Whoever it was sounded scared, but not a life threatening scared, more like a 'I just saw the boogeyman' scared. What concerned me was that in between the seemingly timed screams was another sound. Pained animalistic whimpers filled him ears, I knew that noise well. Someone was purposefully hurting another living being. Nearly powerless to stop myself I began running towards the sound. Judging by the lack of voices telling me to stop and the fact the I could hear no footsteps other than my own, my brothers hadn't noticed me leaving.

I'm sure they will eventually.


	2. Chapter 2

I wish I had never started that game of tag; my legs are killing me! From rooftop to rooftop they grow more tired, less able to carry me, but as more whimpers filter through my ears I know I can't stop. It's been so long since I ran through this city without being told who to follow and where to go, I hardly recognize the part of town I'm in. Yet the tall building with the glass roof will never leave my memories. It's still a few blocks away and I can't actually see, but I know its there.

My mind is screaming at me to stop, to run the opposite direction, to get away from where it all began. I can't though; somewhere between the whimpers and the staged screams is a reason to keep going. And as much as I tell myself to my body to stop, my morals say I need to go. However, as I leap to a neighboring building, I unwillingly come to a halt.

My breath catches in my throat as I lay eyes on the building I nearly lost my life in. My first thought was that they fixed the roof that I had shattered to initially escape, when I had contemplated abandoning my brothers. My second thought was I can't go back. Going there would just take me back to how how a simple mission went terribly wrong.

Before I could stop it my mind was flooded with images from that night: the look on Leo's face when he realized his mistake, the laser cutting into his ankle, Donnie giving his bo to Leo to help him walk leaving Donnie defenceless. The look of veriousity that glued itself onto Raph's face as he tried to protect them, even the tiny glimmer of hope in Leo's face as he ordered me to find us an escape route. Every speck of blood that littered their bodies as i ran away from the battle to find us an exit.

I was unharmed until I realized there was no basic escape,I climbed to rafters in the Shredder's throne room and swung my nunchuck at the glass window repeatedly until it shattered. The glass rained down upon me, slicing me here and there.

I looked down to the battle below as the crisp fall air hit my skin. The words 'Up here guys' were about to fall from my mouth when I saw the image that would stick with me through every sleepless night. Shredder has appeared along with Tigerclaw, Don stood weaponless in front of Raph who had Leo slung over his shoulder. They were backed into a corner, looking very much like deer in headlights. I turned back, the fresh air calling me, telling me I can come back to save them later. But who says there will be a later for them? Shredder wants information about Master Splinter, he only needs to break one of us; the rest of us are just tools. With that said, for at least one of them there won't be a later.

That was when I caught Raph's gaze. His eyes said it all, "Don't you dare. Run Mikey, we'll be fine" but that was a lie and I knew it. Squeezing my eyes shut I took a deep breath, grabbed a shard of glass and aimed my body towards Shredder. As my feet left the ledge I knew the probability of this working was low, but i had to try.

"Mikey no!" Raph screamed as I fell onto the Shredders back.

"The ceiling, go, Run!"I scream to them though they do not move. I cling onto the Shredder, arms wrapped tightly around his neck. I look desperately at the turtles that always protect me, pleading with them to disappear. I scream, my hands were slipping from the blood, the shard must have slit my hand open. Pulling my arm back I aimed the shard at his neck, but due to his thrashing I got his chest. He cried out in pain and made to pull out the piece of glass, which gushed as it left his flesh.

I pushed off of him landing in from of my brothers, "GO!" I command while I throw a smoke bomb into the face of a charging Tigerclaw. This time they listen and soon disappear from behind me.

I hear a gentle, "We'll be back you Mikey." before I see their shadows slip out through the shattered window above.

For a while I clung to those words, thinking that if I can just make it out they won't have to come back. SoI fought until my body was drained and my muscles burned, but soon I was on my knees bruised and bloody awiting the final blow. But it never came because a dead turtle was a useless turtle to the Shredder. Something blunt hit me over the head and that was that. Sure the plan didn't work perfectly, but it worked enough. My brothers escaped and that's all that I cared about in that moment.

More screams brought me back to reality. Shredder is dead, there is nothing to be afraid of down there. I forced my legs to move through the paralyzing fear and took the last jump down to street below. The guys were probably right behind me by this point, or so I hope, but all I could focus on was the strange scene before me. On the ground lay a woman with curly black hair no older than thirty, she had her arm up as if to defend herself from something though nothing was attacking her. Up upon the stair to the entrance stood Tigerclaw, whip in hand,looking rather peaceful. I remained unseen.

The woman looked around frantically, "Where is it?" she cried. A low growl answered her and she screamed yet again.

"Fear not woman," Tigerclaw spat, "You're only here to lure out the one who murdered my master. Don't forget our agreement".

"Yes, but-t-t you never said anything about that monster!" She sobbed.

Tigerclaw cracked the whip loudly, "SIlence! They will arrive shortly. One more word and she'll be eating two dinners tonight."

The lady whimpered quietly in response, then went oddly silent. Her face scrunched up in thought before she stood slowly, "Screw our agreement, you can keep the money! I'm going home!" By the conversation alone I could tell this was a bad decision.

As she began to walk away Tigerclaw called out a command, "Kill." And when nothing happened he slashed his whip through the air and into the surrounding shadows. A sharp cry of pain, then a growl. I looked hard into the darkness trying to see what produced the sound, but I didn't have to look long.

What stepped out was made up of nightmares. She had the appearance of a wolf with a lion's mane, but was roughly the size of a bear. It's fur was mostly white like fresh fallen snow, but had brown speckles throughout and it's mane and legs were pitch black. Her piercing blue eyes could drown you, her muscular build could crush you, and her beauty will deceive you. Along her back were bloodied wounds from the whip was my guess, around her neck lay a sparking collar, a shock collar.

The whip flew through the air once more, landing with a sick snap on the beast's thigh. To my horror the creature took off faster than a horse towards the woman, she is as good as dead...if I wasn't such an idiot. Leaping of my perch, I threw multiple throwing stars towards the creature; only one hit and it hardly affected the pace of the beast.

Ok, plan B then, what's plan B? I scan the area swiftly, ignoring Tigerclaws acknowledgement of my arrival. Well this is gonna get me killed, but hey it may be awesome. I take a running start towards the nearest wall and up it, then push off, landing on the creature just as she is about to catch the lady. Pulling out my nunchuck, I prepared myself to smack her over the head, but was bucked off too fast. I rolled on the ground in front of the amazing beast before gaining my footing. I stood between the creature and it's prey, actually I probably am about to become the prey.

The blue eyed canine's face was mere inches from (and few inches above) my own, our eyes locked as I straightened my back to appear bigger-that's what Donnie says to do if we come across a bear when camping. Yet I find myself melting inside her eyes, they hold so much sorrow, so much pain. Just like me. I can feel her pleading for me to help her as her composure relaxes slightly. She whimpers slightly and taps my forehead with her snout, this is no beast.

Suddenly the creature is brought to her belly in agony as the shock collar goes off on high voltage. I look up in disgust, "Stop you're hurting her!" I cry out, unable to move.

TIgerclaw smirks and switches off the remote he is holding, bringing her pain to an end. "Do you like my new pet, turtle? I bred her just for you." He instigates. I bet you're wondering what exactly this monstrosity is?"

I try to remain silent, but anger got the better of me, "She's no monstrosity, Tigerclaw! You're the only monster I see!"

He rubs his chin in thought, "Ah, I see my intel is correct. You do have a big heart, that can be used against you, it makes you weak. Just wait until my tokota here gets ahold of that brother of yours, the one that killed my master, I'm sure that soft little organ of yours will snap."

"The one that killed…? Is your brain as fuzzy as your face? I killed Shredder single-handed." I boasted. I can't allow any of my bros to take the fall for this.

His eyes widen in disbelief, "You better believe it baby, I snapped his neck like a twig and took his helmet as a prize!" Course I didn't mean to, but that was best left unsaid.

His face relaxed as he began to laugh, "Well in that case this makes my job much easier. Attack!" He ordered as the shock collar turned back on.

The creature was up in a flash, teeth bared, eyes sharp. I backed up slowly, but with every step I took so did she. I put my only hand out, not too keen on the idea of losing it and becoming handless, but what else could be done.

"It's ok girl." I whisper as she snaps at mt outstretched hand. "I know you're just trying to escape the pain." I trip and fall onto my butt. Between the beast and the wall I scurry backwards. "I understand." So this is how it ends; a single tear rolls down my cheek. She walks forward though I have ceased movement. My outstretched hand rests on her neck as she growls in my face. "It's ok."

One last growl escapes her throat as she opens her jaw and reluctantly lunges towards my neck.


	3. Chapter 3

I swore to myself that I would not close my eyes. I didn't so much as blink as her teeth neared my neck, I didn't even flinch-which is a big milestone for me considering that I have had an issue with flinching ever since my rescue. I just stared as her massive canines got closer and closer, funny how it seems that everything is suddenly moving so slow. Even the raindrops that the clouds have begun to weep seem to be taking a good minute to hit the ground. I wonder if they're weeping for me, I hope not. There are much better things to cry for.

"Mikey!" A familiar voice called out.

The tokata's massive head was suddenly forced backwards as my purple banded brother lands on her back, bo staff wrapped around the canine's neck. She reeled back in attempts to throw him off, but Donnie held strong.

"Move Mikey!" Don shouted breathlessly, it was obvious he was losing stamina. Yet with great balance he rose onto his feet, releasing her neck, and with great balance he stood upon her back as if she were a surfboard.

"Raph now!" he shouted as he flipped effortlessly off of the tokata. He landed in front of me protectively while Raph jumped into the frey. "You alright Mikey?" his eyes looked me up and down as he stretched out his hand to help me up.

I grasped his sweaty hand-how he managed to hold onto the bo with such slick palms is beyond me. My legs trembled, "I'm…" I began to answer.

A wail filled with nothing but agony ripped through the still air. Looking beyond Donnie I could see a sai protruding out of the creature's chest. With a heavy thud she hit the ground, unable to get back up.

"Get up!" Tigerclaw ordered, pushing the button on his remote.

The tokota cried out as the shock collar once again went off. This time the current was so powerful that I could see blue sparks flying out of it and smell the burning of her beautiful coat.

How could Tigerclaw? How dare he think he has the right to pointlessly hurt anyone in front of me? Or even just in general?

Images flashed through my mind once more: Tigerclaw gleefully bathing in alcohol directly after slicing me open, him shoving a hot metal rod into my forearm, deciding a bear trap was a fun way to break bone. The Shredder may have been the one to hold me captive, but Tigerclaw did most of the dirty work.

It was then that something in my mind snapped. All the memories I worked so hard to repress came flooding back all at once. Suddenly ever scar that littered my skin became a story that I fought desperately to forget. I was unexpectedly overtook by the want for revenge, but not for what he did to me.

The whimpering mass of speckled fur lay broken before me. And I understood. I'm broken too no matter how much I deny it or how much I desive my family when they ask if I'm ok. I am broken past repair, but this tokata isn't.

I'd rather die than let him hurt anyone else the way he hurt me.

"NO!" I screamed pushing past Donnie and avoiding Raph's attempts to catch me. I ran to her, to the creature birthed from torment. She snarled as I got closer, but I didn't flinch or slow down or do anything a sane person would do. I ignored the calls of my brothers to stay back and scraped up my legs as I slid on concrete until I came to a stop at the tokota's side.

Grasping the collar sent waves of hot electricity down my spine, reminding me of when I pulled that helmet off of Donnie. The scent of burning flesh filtered through my nose almost making me gag. This collar however would not budge no matter how i tugged or hard hard I hit it.

"Don't worry girl, I'll free ya." I whispered before rising off the ground with a slightly burnt hand. "What the heck man!? Let her go!" I screamed at Tigerclaw.

"Her pain is meaningless to me! She wouldn't exist without me and if she won't do the job she was made to do then she will cease to exist!" He explained. "Now rise and kill, beast!"

By my feet, her eyes flew open glowing black...I mean pitch black. She jumped to her feet faster than anything that injured should be able too. With a deep breathe, I vaulted over her kind of like a game of leapfrog. I expected to hear the heavy footsteps bounding behind me as I charged at Tigerclaw, but all that came was an agonizing scream from my second oldest brother.

I skidded to a halt and turned to see Raph on his knees between me and her. His hand held tightly to his shoulder as blood rushed out. Leo was there instantly, swords drawn, ready to give his life to protect us as usual.

"Keep pressure on it." I heard Donnie, who had appeared behind Leo, hiss at Raph.

The tokato circled around them, looking for the best opening. They were caught with no moves left. Tigerclaw laughed maniacally behind me.

"Mikey! We could really use some help!" Leo called out.

"Well who shall it be? Your family or my pet?" Tigerclaw teased.

If I was still the same Mikey I was a year ago I would have jumped to my brothers aid. I would have panicked a little on the inside before coming to a decision. But this new me was calm as a monk and it didn't take much thought to decide my next move.

"Why not both?" I smirked before continuing my charge towards the tiger.

"Mikey what are you doing!?" Leo screamed at me sounding slightly betrayed and slightly confused.

I didn't answer. As I grew near I tossed a smoke bomb at his feet to throw him off balance, then his chest, then his feet again, and then one to the face. Embedding throwing stars into his forearm I slid on the ground next to him, knocking his feet out from under him and caught the remote as it slid out of his grasp.

I rise to my feet swiftly "STOP!" I command before even turning around.

Nothing moved, aside from Tigerclaw coughing at my feet. The air was still, silent, and crisp as I turned to face the situation. Everything around me was tense and I wanted to crack a joke like old times, but couldn't bring myself to end the moment. I was angry, angry at Tigerclaw for abusing such a beautiful creature, angry at my brothers for treating her like the enemy, and angry at myself for letting the tokota hurt Raph. My three older brothers had their eyes glued to me, unsure of who I am anymore.

I pressed my thumb into the release button on the remote and the shock collar fell from the creature's neck like a brick. She howled happily, but my brothers took it as a threat and ready their weapons once more. They made no motion to go through with the attack, so I sauntered over to the downed enemy. They unwillingly turned their heads to look at me once more.

"You want the one who killed Shredder, well here I am!" I kicked him in the back. "Get up and fight me. Oh wait..." Tigerclaw made to punch me, but I caught his fist and twisted his arm back, it cracked from the strain. "You're to big of a coward! Do yourself a favor loser and find yourself a new master before you get yourself killed." I swung my nunchuck at his ribcage, "You should have killed me when you had the chance." I knelt down by his kitty cat ears. "You made me this way and you're going to regret it. Don't forget I killed your master, killing you would be a walk in the park ." I raised my nunchuck high above my head and brought it down upon his, knocking him out cold.

What have I become?


	4. Chapter 4

Shivers ran down my spine like an icy breath, I fought them back with a deep breath, 'just one more fight, I got this'. I wipe my sweaty palm over my face; my heart may as well be in my ears for how loud it is right now. What did I just do? Should I dare a look at the body? Should I check for his pulse? Did I just kill again? What do I do?

A sense of helplessness fell over me as the dread set in, "No. Not now." I whispered to myself desperate to avoid the anxiety that is coming. "No more, please." I gripped my head trying to swallow back the tears. I felt my knees hit the hard ground successfully cutting them even more as the hopeless panic took over.

"Mikey?!" who's calling me? Footsteps, running footsteps. They stop. Something snarls nearby.

"Mikey?!" My name, me. I ground myself on that. When did it get so cold?

"We need to get to him!" Leo. Leo can fix me, he always fixes us.

"How fearless?" growling, not the tokata, must be Raph.

"Take it down!" Take who down? I already took out the enemy.

"But Leo it's only protecting…" The nerdy voice of reason, Donnie. Protecting? Aren't I already doing that?

"We have no choice, look at him!" But everything is blurred. I am numbed by the voices in my head.

My hand fell to my sides. It's so cold, but I can't see my breath, am I dead? The pain in my chest says no; the same pain that has kept me awake at night for the past year. Defeated is the only thing I can think of, ready to accept death's sweet embrace. However my eyes never grow heavy and heart never slows. There's no dull agony of my body shutting down, only this god awful thumping pain in my chest.

'Focus dude' I coach myself. My eyes are shut, when did that happen? 'Don't open them yet, just focus'. It is raining, Donnie said it might rain, the drops are wet and cold and most importantly real. Grunts and clashing weapons hide behind the sound of puddles splashing.

'What do you make of this?' A little voice in my head asks me.

"It's been raining for a while. There's a fight,but between who?" I explain to myself aloud.

'What else?' the voice pushes.

A roar, warning not a threatening, in front of me. The sound is so close I could reach out and touch it.

The Tokota! My eyes snap open and sure enough, she is pacing in front of me preparing for another attack. Meanwhile my brothers are in offense ready to attack; they make their move.

'Do something!' the voice commanded. With strength I definitely did not have a few seconds ago I stood. I moved, not really sure of what to do, but nonetheless I did something.

In a few quick flips I landed between the tokota and Donnie, taking a hit to my shoulder from his bo-staff.

"Mikey!? I'm sorry-what are you..?" He started before I swept his feet out from under him with a swift low kick. "Hey!"

I paid zero attention to his cries, instead I moved on to Raph. I came up behind him before he lashed out at her- a quick squeeze to his bitten shoulder had him dropping his weapons.

"Michelangelo!" Leo shouted in disgust "What are you doing?"

He stood stoic, katanas drawn, prepared to fight. Will it really come to that? It seems a bit over dramatic to me. Nonetheless, I found my place guarding my furry friend.

"What's right." I reply, glancing over my shoulder to the animal whimpering on the ground. Am I really about to defy Leo?

Donnie and Raph came up next to him, "Mikey, are you okay?" Donnie asked. "Are you you? Did he get you with a brain worm" I could see my brothers tense up at this. Their shoulders rolled back, eyes all locked in me.

I shook my head partly because everything was still foggy, "What? No. I'm just stopping you dudes from making a mistake" I argue. Really I stand up for something and they think I'm brainwashed.

The share an uneasy look, "Mikey" Raph starts slowly "Move aside. This creature isn't natural. It's a monster that needs to be stopped, just like every other thing we've fought." His words were slow and cautious.

She whimpered sadly behind me, can she understand us?. "First of all she isn't an it, she's a she. Second, in case you forgot we are giant talking ninja turtles-we are not natural. And third she far from a monster; monsters are those who fail to even try to see the good in anything." I argued. How can they act like this? All she has done is do what she had to to avoid death.

They weren't having it, "It shouldn't exist. Tigerclaw admitted to creating it. So we need to end it." Raph growled, gripping his bloodied shoulder.

"Stand down Michelangelo." Leo ordered.

Despite every taught instinct to obey him, I stood firm. I chanced a look over my shoulder. SHe was slumped tiredly, but still standing as she's been trained to. Trained through torture to do the bidding of an evil man. Torture just as I was. Suddenly everything clicked into place. My older brothers all have something they'd die for-Leo's is honor, Donnie's is knowledge, Raph's is justice. This is mine.

Here I stand, amid my brothers and the beast. "Last chance Michelangelo, stand down." Leo ordered again.

The creature whimpered painfully behind me. "No." I defied, holding my ground though my legs shook.

This is where my life has brought me and this is where I take my stand. "Who gave you the right to take her life? To deem it less than your own? Look in her eyes and you'll know how badly she wants to live. Listen to her cries and you'll know she doesn't want to fight. We've all spared some people who probably don't deserve a second chance, what makes her any different? Because she can't talk? Because she walks on all fours? Because she's an animal? News flash, we are all animals, whether we walk on two legs or four. And we all do bad things, but they don't make us evil." I fought back tears as I turned to Raph. "Raph you once told me about moments that define us; what do you want this moment to say about you?"

All eyes went to Raph while he quite obviously mentally slapped himself. He rolled his neck, then his shoulders, stared at the dry ground, looked up, then to Leo, then to the downed tokota, "I'd want it to not label me as a murderer." He slowly came to my side, eyes still on the tokota. "I'm with ya baby brother." He grinned my way.

"Ok even if we didn't kill it, what do we do with it?" Donnie questioned.

"You cannot be serious guys." Leo spoke up "It's a threat."

"Both of you are right. It is a threat in the fact that we know nothing about it, however she was be forced to attack us. It may be beneficial to keep her around in casemore were made, so we can study the creature…" Donnie explained.

"Tokota." I stated.

"What?" Don asked.

"Tokota. She's a creature called tokota." I explained.

Don nodded, understanding what I had said and locking it to his memory. "Besides the only reason she was fighting us now was to protect Mikey. She saw he was vulnerable, she was close enough to kill him before we could reach him, but she guarded him instead".

"Anyone who is willing to protect my little brother is good in my book." Raph chimed in. I beamed at him, he always has my back. "I mean. Don't ya remember how we met Leatherhead? We all thought he was a monster, but Mikey saw the good in him and now he is one of our strongest allies."

"Look Leo, we've all been wrong about a lot of the people we've met, but Mikey always seems to be able to tell who's good and evil. Remember April's mom?" Don added knowingly.

Leo sighed in defeat, "So say I did go along with this. How would we ever get it home? We can't exactly sneak through the city with a severely wounded wolf bear thing and a brother who's bleeding out" He paused to look at me. "And another brother who can barely hold himself up after whatever just had him on his knees."

"Hehe." I nervously laughed as they began to stare at myshaking form. I snapped my fingers and pointed at Leo."I know how to get her home."

I groan inwardly, I'm gonna get insomuch trouble for this. I whip a kraang portal out of my belt and opened it. "It leads right to my room." I announce with a smile. My older brothers gave me a stern look. "Oh come on dudes. You don't really think I've been going to bed early these past few months."

Leo looked about ready to scold me, so I turned my attention to the tokota, "Think you walk Icey?" I patted her head and announced her new name.

The guys were staring again, "What? Icey, like her eyes. Get it? Whatever. Ready girl?" She licked my wrist and stood weakly, taking place on my armless side.

Leo gripped my elbow, "We are going to talk about this later" He warned "And whatever happened back there immediately."

I swallowed nervously at his let go of my arm and motioned for me to step through the portal. I guess my secret was out, but I can deal with that later. For now I step through the portal door with Icy by my side and eagerly welcome her home.


	5. Chapter 5

Raph POV

Personally I think we should just drop her off at the nearest zoo as soon as possible, she's too unpredictable to keep in our home. But Mikey just had to step up with the big heart of his and after the year he's been having, who are we to judge what makes him happy? In a way I almost feel that we owe it to him to trust him on this. I get where the kid is coming from. He doesn't want to label a thing evil if it isn't true; he did the same thing when we met Leatherhead. How he convinces us to bring these types of things home every time eludes me. And though the incident with our crocodile friend worked out, I have a strong feeling that this is not gonna end well.

I take a final breath of the fresh air before I step into the portal and feel the familiar chill of the lair. I take in Mikey's mess of a room, most of the garbage ridden floor is covered by the tokata's hulking frame as she had collapse before I had stepped through. Squeezed between her and his bedframe sat Mikey; no exaggeration when I say he looked awful. Somehow within the last hour his eyes appear to have sunk into his skull leaving puffy bags beneath them. He skin is pale and sick looking and he is still shaking slightly. He is petting Icey's head, wincing with stroke due to his burt hand;his legs completely shredded from the knees down.

Soon after I finish my observation Leo stumbles through the portal followed by an agitated Donnie. Mikey rises slowly, turning off the portal in the process.

"Donnie ya gotta help her, she can barely stand she's in so much pain." Mikey begged sounding out of breath.

"No way." Leo butted in. "You wanted to keep it alive so its health is on you."

Gosh Leo just let the kid have this! I was about to speak up to avoid the argument that was going to unfold, but peacekeeper Donnie beat me to it.

"I have to study her biology. Healing her will help me do that. Besides Mikey looks like death." He pointed out blatantly. There was a cold tone in Don's voice, they must have had some sort of disagreement after I had gone through the portal.

"Thanks Don." Mikey grinned sarcastically, swaying slightly from exhaustion.

"Leo just look at the kid." I said moving to put an arm around Mikey, the movement tugged at my injury. "Do you really think he should be doing anything besides resting?"

Although he was obviously fuming Leo was instantly in front of Mikey gently pushing him down onto the bed. All concern for the current situation was replaced with concern for our youngest as he asked Mikey the question we had all been wondering.

"What happened back there Mike?" He asked kindly.

Mikey's eyes moved to look around the room, before shaking his head as tears threatened to fall. Leo looked around hopelessly, "Please tell me?"

With my hand on Mikey's back I could feel his breathing speed up as his eyes widened and continued to flicker around the room. I braced myself for another episode of whatever had just happened before.

Yet to all of our surprise the tokata shifted her position with a pained hum and lay her massive head onto his lap. She gently licked the tears running down his cheeks and nudged his stump with her damp noise until laugh fought its way out of him and he playfully pushed her away.

I watched in awe at her actions towards my baby brother, it is mesmerizing. There was no hostility only...love? I smile widely at the pair. Even Leo looked happily shocked.

"Donnie," Leo said calmly. "Take Raph to the lab and clean up his shoulder. I'll be right in after I speak the Mikey."

Neither of us argued. Don and I began our walk to the lab. Honestly I forgot about my shoulder, but now that it had been brought to my attention: OW! No words were spoken until I sat on a steel table inside Don's lab. He pulled on some latex gloves and went into doctor/brother mode.

"This is gonna hurt." He warned before pouring alcohol on my open wound.

I hissed in response, "How bad?"

"Not too bad. Nothing a few stitches can't fix." He smiled sadly as he brought out the needle and hesitantly got to work. Odd, Donnie's usually confident in his medical skills.

"What's wrong?" I question watching his normally steady hands shake.

The needle pierces my skin as he sighs, "Just remembering when I stitched up Mikey after the amputation."

Huh, Donnie has never once spoken about what had occurred in here that day. Though in his defense no one ever asked. I suppose a part of us never really wanted to know, but now... "What happened? Ya never told us."

"It was too terrible to relieve, but if you want to know...There were so many things wrong with him when we got him home. Lacerations, torn ligaments, strained muscles, broken his arm...well it was the definitely the worst of it all. Gods there was so much blood." He paused with a shuddering breath . "I treated everything other than his arm, I mean one look was all it took for me to know, but I guess I was hoping I'd come up with something if I kept putting it off. Splinter actually made the call, he said he'd do it if I could restrain Mikey long enough. Luckily, the bone was already broken, so we didn't need to break it ourselves, but as soon as he cut into him he started screaming." He stopped to cut the stitch and knot it. I waited for him to continue.

"He was struggling real hard, you'd be proud at how strong he is Raph, I could hardly hold him. His screams were too much for me and they only grew the more Splinter cut. He called out for help and at one point said my name and asked me why I was hurting him." I winced when Donnie poured more alcohol on my freshly stitched wound before swiping at his eyes.

" I lost my strength after that, so we had to switch places. Splinter wanted to call you or Leo in to help, but I said no, I didn't want you guys to witness it. So I proceeded to amputate his arm. There was so much blood and I had no clue what I was doing and he kept screaming and crying. He was awake through the entire thing, there was no time to make a sedative or anything. Scared me to death when he stopped screaming-he had passed out from the pain"

"Leo and I thought the worst when the screaming stopped. It was so sudden, that's why we barged in here the way we did." I chimed in trying no to sound to torn up from the story.

"Yeah...it scarred me. I don't want to be like Leo, all overprotective and controlling, but never want to see Mikey like that again. I can't. " Donnie removed the gloves from his hands and disposed of them. "Funny thing is, I think we all took it harder than Mikey did himself." he chuckled to shake off the memories, but I was still captivated by them.

I rolled my wounded shoulder, "I wouldn't be so sure. I think he's just really good at making us believe he's okay. I never told anyone this, but I found him many times crying alone in his room. However, while he may not be ok he is…"

"Stronger than any of us have ever given him the credit for." Leo finished as he sauntered into the lab.

I Looked our leader up and down, he looks tired, "Exactly and we should treat him as such and stop babying him. It's been a year guys, we can't keep doing this to him." I explain.

Leo took a seat, "It may be to soon for that Raph." He stretched his neck.

"Excuse me? You've seen how he handles himself lately. He's a better ninja than he has ever been! He took out Tigerclaw on his own! He tamed a beast in only a few minutes! He…" I began to argue.

"Raph please…" Leo rubbed his head and leaned forward.

"Raph is kinda right Leo. I get protecting him given that he's the foot's most wanted, but maybe cut him a little slack. He can handle himself a good portion of the time." Don added thoughtfully.

Leo sat there nervously fidgeting around as Don and I spoke at once all the reasons behind our argument: he's grown, he's powerful, he's fast, he's cunning. The list rolled off our tongues like a never ending steam until finally…

"Would you guys shut up, I am trying to tell you something!" Leo shouted as loud as he dared. Our mouths stopped moving instantly, but Leo remained silent.

I grew annoyed, "Well Leo, what is it?" I spat.

Leo took a deep breath, put his elbows on his knees and leaned in towards us. "I think" he began slowly. "I think Mikey may have ptsd."


	6. Chapter 6

Donnie POV

The words that had just fallen from Leo's mouth echoed inside my head. My only little brother, who has laughed his way through, who we constantly tell to grow up though we never really want him to. How could I have not seen it sooner? Now that I think about it, it's obvious! I mentally slap myself, why didn't I notice! The flinching, the hostility, isolating himself, his hypervigilance...it's all laid out for the world to see, but I was blind. Wait what if…

"He was having an anxiety attack!" I state mostly to myself. "When he knocked out Tigerclaw, it set him off somehow."

Leo nodded solemnly, "Worst part is that he already knew. He 'self-diagnosed'-his words not mine- and he kept it from us. This whole year and even before that, since we rescued him basically."

"Well that explains a few things. Like when he spaces out and thinks only a few minutes have past when in reality it's been an hour, like earlier today." Raph mused sounding frustrated. "What else did he tell you?"

Leo cleared his throat, "That he hasn't slept a full night since he killed Shredder; that's what's really eating at him. Mikey was actually trying to save him, but it went wrong obviously. He has flashbacks that are mostly triggered, but sometimes come from nothing. And he..h-he admitted something to me that I don't know what to make of." He paused obviously debating how to word his next sentence.

"Look whatever it is we'll figure it out together. No more of him dealing with this alone, he is literally always there for us. Let's do the same for him, whether he likes it or not." Raph spoke up looking slightly angry.

The anger wasn't directed towards Leo, no it was directed towards himself. And for once I understood the anger that is radiating off of my immediate older brother. We should have noticed, we should have been there for him. Just like we should have been there the night he sacrificed himself for us. He's our baby brother! We're supposed to protect him, shelter him! What happened to the Mikey that would shyly knock on Leo's door at night because he had a nightmare? The Mikey that would come crying to me when pain overtook him? The Mikey that would rather trap an enemy and escape than beat them into unconsciousness?

Leo's voice snapped me back from my mind, "He told me that sometimes he loses himself, sometimes he's unable to stop himself from moving, from acting out. His mind is there partially, but his it's as if his body isn't his. Sometimes he 'wakes up' from these episodes covered in scratches and bruises that he can recall inflicting on himself. Other times he run off into danger and harms someone else. Such as today with Tigerclaw."

My eyes flew open,"He's self-harming?!"

Leo shook his head slowly, "Not like that. It isn't intentional, he cannot control it. It almost sounded like a psychotic breakdown. He claws at his ankles and bites into his wrist- you know, places that his shackles were when he was being held captive."

"As if mentally he's still there; still trying to escape." Raph sighed before out of nowhere he spun around and punched the wall allowing the impact to echo through the lab.

"Yeah that's good for your shoulder, moron." I hissed at him, not wanting to restitch his shoulder. "So what do we do? It isn't like he can just go to therapy, or get any other kind of treatment that people would. He can't just suffer through it either, it'll probably get worse over time." I hate not having answers.

"Well for starters, we need to get him to open up to us. He needs to see that he isn't alone in this. I also think we shouldn't allow him to go above ground for a while." Leo stated.

"He won't go for that and he's proven that we can't keep him here against his will. We should watch him closely and create a list of things that trigger him and what calm him down." I reason as best as I could.

"Where is the kid anyways?" Raph interjected crossing his arms. "And where is that thing we brought home?"

I had nearly forgotten about the tokata! Such a wondrous creature, a canine the size of a bear, yet so docile.

"He is sleeping in my room, the dog is in his room.I wasn't stupid enough to leave them together if that's what you were wondering Raph." Leo spat, suddenly angry. "Speaking of that thing, it can't be kept here or anywhere for that matter, we need to take it down."

"You don't mean..?" Raph questioned.

Leo nodded, "We need to euthanize it, make it look like it died from the wounds, so Mikey won't hate us." Leo spoke in his 'this is what we're doing whether we agree or not' voice.

don't know guys, she never actually caused him any harm and she only bit Raph because he stabbed her. I think we should study her and see what she has to offer. Besides I haven't seen Mikey like that in a long time, I kinda miss it." I explained trying to save Mikey the heartache of losing someone he had fought for. I sighed heavily,"That's going to crush him, he needs this Leo! Why can't you see that?" I try to keep my voice down as to not disturb Mikey.

"It isn't up for discussion Don. If there was another way I'd be more than willing. It's not like I want it dead, but it's too much of a risk. Mikey will move on, he's only known it for a few hours now." Leo turned away from Raph and I, but we could hear his voice shake as he said, "Get it ready Don. Within the hour I want it dead." and that was the end of that.

Whenever Leo barks out orders during battle, I don't think twice. When he tells me to stop i stop, to go I go. I follow with little to no hesitation, but now the hour is almost up and I could hardly find it in me to mix together the necessary chemicals to euthanize the tokota.

After thinking through every possible scenario I can not find a single reason to kill it- I hate calling it by its name given what I'm about to do. Worst case it turns on us, but we proved today that we can overpower it making that threat more of a nuisance than anything. Besides Mikey has always been good with other living creatures; always calming attack dogs and taking in strays. I'm positive he can handle a mythical wolf thing.

The needle sits calmly on the desk in front of me, oblivious to the fact that it will end a life tonight. No, that's my burden. I have never killed before, I prefer to find a solution than to end the problem. Right now, as my hands shake filling the needle, I know I cannot do this. But I have to. Because Leo demands it. Because the only one who would say no is asleep in the other room. Because Leo knows I wont say no.

Rising from my desk, I can't help but wonder what goes through Leo's head when he makes such snap decisions. Does he think about the consequences, does he let them devour his dreams? Or does he sleep peacefully knowing that he has kept us alive for another day? Perhaps a mixture of the two?

Across the way, by the medic area, lay yet another needle. Those ones I always have prepared ever since Mikey's amputation. The day we rescued our youngest I had no time to mix a drug to sedate him or numb him or help him in anyway. We all had to listen to his screams bouncing off the lair walls until pain took him from consciousness. Now I mix at least three things of anesthesia a day just to be safe. I can't handle those screams again.

The canine is large and judging by how fast her wounds are healing, anesthesia will not have much of an effect on her. At most it will knock her out for two or three hours if I use a large enough dosage. Then all I'll have to do from there make sure Leo doesn't see the shallow breaths and wake Mikey to run with her once we get her unconscious body outside. But to defy our fearless leader, to disrespect him in a way much worse than cheating in a game of king of the hill. I'm not sure I want to; I'm not sure I can.

I pick up both needles and examine them closely. One is full of a sickening yellow liquid, the other a nice clear color almost like water. "I can't do this to Mikey." I say to myself. "He would never do this to me. He'd fight Leo on this if it meant I got to be happy, so why can't I do this for him?"

The yellow filled needle feels heavy in my hand. I almost want to smash it, I wish it would leap from my loose grip and plummet to the concrete below. I wish I was brave. Not like Leo who will put his life at risk and never think twice or like Raph who will run headfirst into a brawl without any worry. Brave like my baby brother, who always knows what has to be done and how to do it and make everybody happy all at once.

It's an odd feeling, wanting to be like the one who has always looked up to me. If he was in my spot, he would not have gone as far as to mix the pentobarbital. He probably would not have even considered it. No, as soon as the words left Leo's mouth there would have been a fight. And that's saying a lot because Mikey usually does not fight with us, he'd much rather make us smile.

I breath in deeply as my grip tightens around the needles. The hour is up and Leo will be in here soon with questions I do not want to answer. I wish he would see the world the way Mikey does or that he'd at least try. I wish we would all embrace the world as Mikey does, his love for humanity, his passion for life.

"Is it ready?" a deep voice startles me out of my thoughts.

I turn to face him. Leo stands, arms crossed in the doorway looking more angered by the second. What is going on with him? He's never been like this before, so why now. Should I try to reason with him? I roll the vials in between my fingers debating what to do.

He asks again more demanding, "Is it ready Donatello?"

"Well yes but…" I begin trying to stall, but he beats me to it.

"But what?"

I bite my lip nervously, "It's an estimated dosage, it may not work. If you give me another hour or so I can make a second."

"One is enough. Let's move, Raph is waiting." He turns from me and begins to walk, expecting me to follow.

And I do. Slowly I follow him wondering how to get out of this situation without making anyone angry. I don't want to kill Icey, I don't want to break my baby brother's heart. I can hear the beast breathing evenly as we near the room; Raph is waiting outside.

He nods in my directing, patting me on the shoulder when I get close enough, "Ok Donnie let's get this over with." Raph states.

But something is off about it, he's calm. Not the type of calm when you're ok with what is going on, but the type of calm that makes you know everything will be ok. Perhaps Raph has already made the choice for me. Nevertheless I pull out the non-deadly needle, bent on saving a life tonight.

The room already feels like a funeral parlor with its eerie silence. There she lay, curled up on the floor, this great mass of fur and teeth. She is bald around her neck, where the collar once shocked her entire being, and it was an angry red; all irritated and bloody. Aside from that all wounds seemed to have healed in the past two hours.

I cautiously squat down next to her massive leg, my brothers eyes trailing my movement. I ready the needle and then…

"Mikey!" Raph shouts out, startling me out of the procedure.

Then everything happens at once. Icey leaps up, faster than a bullet leaving its barrel, and I see Mikey. He must have been sleeping behind her hulking frame, making him unseen to us. Now he lay crouch down, fully awake, underneath a growling tokota. Leo moves to attack, however Raph holds him back. And I sit here, not knowing what to do. The vials fall from my hands, smashing apart on the concrete floor.

She crouches over Mikey protectively, baring her teeth until he reaches up and strokes her heaving chest calming her instantly. I thank whatever god is out there, now I don't have to make the choice because Mikey already has. And I know he will fight for it.


	7. Chapter 7

"What's going on dudes?" were the first sleepy words to fall from Mikey's lips. "Why're ya'll in my room?"

He rolled out of his crouch into a sitting position. The Tokota moved with him as if tied by strings. It wrapped itself around him laying its massive head on his left thigh, but covering most of his lap. He looked to the broken vials by my feet, rubbed his eyes sleepily, glanced over Leo still slightly struggling in Raph's grip, then back to the vials. A look of betrayals takes over his features as understanding slowly clouded his mind. And then he grinned triumphantly up at Leo.

"You didn't really think I'd leave her alone with you, did you?" Mikey sneered like a child who just won an argument.

Leo clenched his teeth, "Mikey, that thing is a monster! It can't be here! It can't be anywhere!"

Our youngest spared a second to look each of us in the face then turned his gaze down at Icey's massive eyes, "Funny. The only monster I see here is you." I heard Raph suck in a breath as the words left Mikey's lips. "You're the only one who has such an issue with her dude. I know you have nothing against dogs and you're always preaching to us to respect nature's way and the natural balance of things. So what has gotten your undies in a twist?"

I didn't know a turtle could get so red as Leo was now. "I am your leader, I don't have to answer to you." Leo stated and turned to leave. I blocked the doorway.

"Actually Leo, I'm curious too. What has gotten into you?" I ask as kindly as I can manage.

"What? Nothing! Nothing has gotten into me! It's you guys that are acting off!"Leo yelled.

The tokota remaned on the floor as Mikey stood up and placed himself inches away from Leo's face, "Answer me bro, what's wrong? I don't want to be against you, but I don't understand you enough to work with you."

I could see the gears turning in Leo's head, his face scrunched up in thought, probably looking for a way out of the situation. Finally his hand shot out, landing on what is left of Mikey's arm, and he gave an unnecessarily tight squeeze causing Mikey to flinch.

"This is what's wrong! You got hurt because I thought I could trust Karai! Because I thought that though she was raised evil she could change! Evil never changes Mikey; your buddy down there was raised to kill and that will never change!" Leo screamed loudly.

There was a slight pause as Raph backed up to stand next to me, "Should we, i don't know, do something?" he whispered.

I shook my head, "No, Leo needs this. Mikey's got this."

He nodded and looked back to the opposites in the room, "I hope you're right".

"So it all goes back to a year ago? I shoulda figured." Mikey bit his lip in an angered fashion I had never seen him do. "I only want to say this once, so all three of you listen and listen good. If I could go back in time and do it over again, it would happen just the same. Nothing you could say or do would change how I would handle the situation. It was my choice that brought me to where I am. None of you are responsible for this!" He wiggled is stump. "This is better than what I had thought was gonna happen! I wasn't expecting to live through that! But I did and as much as it messed me up I am beyond grateful that I made it!"

I gulped, I have never seen this side of Mikey. It's like someone lit a fire within him. Raph stiffened beside me nervously looking between Leo and Mikey. Tears threatened to fall from Mikey's baby blues.

"I try to be happy after everything that has happened. But then you, Leo, come along and tear that away from me. And the moment I no longer have to try because I am genuinely happy, yo come along acting as if you know what's best. When in actuality you know nothing! I'm sick of it and I won't stand for it anymore!" Mikey pulled out the kraang portal opener, pressing a few buttons a portal revealed itself right behind Mikey.

"Mikey no!" Raph called out.

Mikey looked down at Icey and nudged his neck towards the portal. She looked between Leo and Mikey before rising and walking through the portal. Mikey turned on his heels to follow his new friend.

Leo moved to put a hand on Mikey's shoulder, unspoken apologies lingering on his tongue. Before a word could be spoken, our youngest had his weapon in hand. He swung it towards Leo's face; it made contact. But that wasn't the end. In a terrifying turn of events that had Raph and I too stunned to move, Mikey was on top of Leo holding a kunai to his throat.

"Don't ever touch me again. I'm escaping this time! You can't torment me anymore, dangling freedom in front of me like pizza. I'll kill you." He pushed the knife into Leo's neck. "I'm not your toy anymore Shredder!" He pulled back the kunia, ready to kill.

Shredder? Oh no, he must be reliving something that had happened all that time ago.

"Mikey no!" Raph leaped at him, knocking him off of Leo. "Mikey stop! We aren't here to hurt you! Shredder is gone! You are safe! You are free" Raph cried out as the pair wrestled, "Please Mikey, hear me!"

I crouched next to Leo to examine his neck, "You ok Leo?" He doesn't look ok, he looks terrified, but he nods anyways.

"H-he's so strong. When did he get this way?" Leo was stunned. We both looked to see the fight continuing a few feet away.

"It's adrenaline. He's reliving something, something terrible." We watch on.

Mikey seems to be getting the best of Raph. What was once a wrestling match over a knife was now a full on fight. Both of my brothers were on their feet, Raph mostly just blocking the neverending steam of attacks Mikey was throwing at him. Mikey however was aiming to kill.

"W-we need to help him!" Leo shouted as Mikey got in a good jab with the blade.

"No, it'll only make him feel even more threatened! We need Icey, she calmed him down before maybe she could do it again!" I look towards the portal hopeful that she will emerge.

"Mikey don't do this! I don't want to fight you." Raph whimpered as Mikey kneed him in the stomach. "But I will."

"You don't stand a chance, I already took down Shredder! You think you stand a chance TigerClaw? You're just a pathetic pussycat!" And that is how Mikey got the upperhand.

He kicked out Raph's knee and swung his nunchuck down onto Raph's injured shoulder. Raph grunted in pain, still trying to stay in defense. But with one hand gripping his wound, he was left open to attacks. Mikey moved to make another blow.

"I am not Tige-oof!" Raph was knock onto his shell.

But not by Mikey. It happened so fast she was only a blur, "Icey!" Leo cried out happily. Almost too happy for someone that wanted her dead not even ten minutes ago.

I a chaotic mess of bodies, Icey had leaped through the portal knocking Raph out of Mikey's range of attack. She whimpered sadly as she placed herself between us three and Mikey.

"She's...guarding us?" Leo asked cluelessly.

She let a growl tear through her throat, preparing to defend us. So quick to turn on Mikey, maybe Leo was right about her. But why does she now defend us over him? Is she even defending us or is this some odd trick of the predator?

Mikey lunges at her throat, "weak spot" he murmured under his breath almost too quiet to hear.

Weak spot? Because the throat is just a weak spot or because she is already injured there? But why say it outloud? That is the type of thought we are taught to pretend we don't know to give us the advantage in battle. Is he still trapped in his flashback? What happened to you Mikey?

Icey dance around Mikey's attacks nimbly for being confined to such a small area. Without rising we slowly scooted out the door to allow the beast more room to do whatever she was doing.

Never once did she threaten to attack him, she only bounced around circling him. Tiring him out maybe?

"What the heck is she doing?" I ask out loud.

"I don't know, maybe exhausting him? Making him dizzy?" Leo offered looking on in a trance.

"Well it's working on me...but I dont think thats it." Raph breathed heavily. "Wait a minute. He's trying to escape!"

Mikey was no longer focusing on attacks, but looking for breaks in her circle. He leaped at one, however she was fast to trap him. He jumped for another, sheblocked him again. And so it went until he slowed to a complete stop, breathing heavy, tears streaming down his face.

"NOOOOOO!" He screamed out in agony. It brought tears to my eyes to hear him scream so hopelessly.

"She was capturing him." Leo gasped. "He's stuck in a flashback of trying to escape Shredder! She's ending the flashback bu recapturing him!" Leo explained, unsure of what to do.

I could feel my heart break apart Mikey fell to the ground sobbing, clawing at his ankles, drawing blood. Sobs wracked his small frame, yet I did not move. None of us did.

"Please, I can't go back, pl-l-ease no, no, no no. H-help me, p-please. Father, I-I'm not strong enough." He cried on.

He's been harboring all these emotions without anyone catching on. And from what we are witnessing now he has reached his breaking point.

"Leo. Raph. Don. They'll save me, I know they will." His sobs ceased for a moment. "No no I'm on my own, I have no choice."

Icey howled before approaching Mikey slowly. He removed his hand from his ankles and reached out to her making contact with her fur, "So fluffy." he said mindlessly. "So soft."

She whimpered again, somehow it sounded like a question.

"You're right. I am ok. So fluffy, ground yourself Mikey. Soft like a blanket, soft...soft like Leo's hugs. Leo, Leo I am sorry. So sorry. So soft."

I looked to my brothers in a sad sort of confusion. What on earth is he babbling about?

Leo rose from his spot beside me, neck still bleeding slightly. He walked cautiously towards our youngest, kneeling down before him.


	8. Chapter 8

Mikey POV

I could feel the air shift around me as Icey came near, but my mind was still racing as I tried to break away from the grip it had over me. I gripped onto Icey's fur desperately trying to keep myself grounded. But I feel that my own mind is against me as images of Shredder's torture chamber flashes before my eyes making it hard to tell what was happening.

I could see him clear as day standing before me, screaming at me to talk or die. He doesn't mean it though cause keeping me alive is more fun, he wants me to suffer until I'll do anything to end the pain. Including telling my father's secrets. But then the scene changes and I'm back in my room facing the bared teeth of a circling wolf. With a flash of light the Shredder was before me yet again, hindering my escape. I did escape and he caught me just as I could feel the fresh air hit my lungs. But I fought, I fought and cried as he gained the upper hand, it hurt. The pain unimaginable, he snapped my arm like a twig and didn't stop there. Throwing me to the ground he kicked me until I flew across the room, landing pathetically close to the open door.

He laughed as I crawled desperately to the only escape I had. He let me taste the freedom before pulling me back by my broken arm. I cried harder! I can't go back! No, help me! Anyone! Leo, Raph, Don! Papa! Please save me!

I hit the ground successfully bruising my knees. The weight of the shackles were heavy as I tried to pry them off my ankles. "Please, I can't go back, pl-l-ease no, no, no no. H-help me, p-please. Father, I-I'm not strong enough."I sobbed hopelessly.

"Leo. Raph. Don. They'll save me, I know they will." I breathed deeply. "No no I'm on my own, I have no choice." How long had I been trapped there? No one was coming for me. I must keep trying to save myself;no one else will.

A howl snapped me from my trance. I opened my eyes to see Icey approaching me cautiously, I released my shackles to reach out for her. She came to a halt as my hand touched her warm, fluffy fur.

"So fluffy I stated mindlessly "So soft."

She whimpered, "You are strong, you are okay." she told me without words. The same voice that spoke to my head earlier today.

"You're right. I am ok. So fluffy, ground yourself Mikey. Soft like a blanket, soft...soft like Leo's hugs. Leo, Leo I am sorry. So sorry. So soft."

Yet through all of this Icey stayed firmly in place remaining as the one thing I know is real.

Pain tears through my chest, the world is burning around me, but she is still there. Tears stream down my cheeks as I squeeze my eyes shut and frantically shake my head.

"Make it stop." I whisper to no in particular.

Icey tenses under my shaking hand. Why? Icey are you alright? Icey what's wrong? Icey, Leo was gonna kill you. They want to hurt you. They're gonna take you away from me! Icey stay, don't go. Please Icey, I'll protect you from them.

"I am fine. Hold yourself together friend,the blue one has come to assist you." Wait what? Icey? I can-I can hear you?

"Yes friend, as I can hear you." Icey explained, "But only for now…" What does that mean?

"Mikey?" A deep voice that had comforted me through many nightmares asked. The deep soothing voice of my eldest brother.

'He was gonna kill her!' I remind myself angrly.

"He has changed greatly in the past few minutes." Icey told me. "Relax and listen."

And I did. I relaxed at his voice and silently pleaded for him to keep talking. But why can I hear Icey?

"Little brother? I know you aren't ok and I just wanna let you know that that's ok." Leo spoke sounding a bit like master Splinter. "I'm sorry for what I was attempting to do. I see now that Icey is good for you. I'm so sorry Mikey."

His voice shook towards the end. He's sorry? Is Leo crying?

"I'm sorry for so many things. But mostly I'm sorry that I couldn't save you then and I still can't save you." Yup, he is definitely crying.

What is he babbling about? They rescued me, they have healed me. I am shattered without them, far beyond repair.

"Or maybe they are 'shattered' without you?" Icey prompted.

Leo was kneeling before me, eyes pouring tears like a raincloud, "I'm sorry you suffered alone for so long. That you've reached your breaking point without us even realizing you were nearing it. We should've seen it, I should have seen it!"

It was angry sort of cry, one that you scream towards the heavens when all else fails. Have I failed? All this because I kept my condition a secret, because I decided to face it alone and smile as I always have.

"Please forgive me brother!" Leo sniffled. "I promise I will save you this time."

"Rise, Mikey, rise for your brothers sake if not for your own. Don't allow this to consume you." Icey gently commanded.

Without a second thought I leaped into my crying brother's arms, "You did save me Leo. You all did."

He hugged me tight, "I love you Mikey."

"We all do." Raph stated as he and Donnie joined in the hug.

I cried, "I'm sorry I hurt you. And that you had to see that."

"No, no Mikey. We're here for you, we may not completely understand what you're going through, but we will never hold it against you." Donnie held tight to the hug as he spoke.

"I thought I had it under control." I explained. "I guess the memories of those two weeks are too much for me to contain."

"You never told us anything about your time there, maybe it would help if you did?" Donnie suggested.

I shook my head, "They live in my head. Shredder, Tigerclaw, Razhar, they all hide inside me waiting for the right thing to pull them out."

Raph pulled from the hug and looked me square in the face, "Your afraid to talk about it because you believe that it will trigger more flashbacks?"

"Well yes." I simply state as a rather silent tokata pushes her face into my lap whining lightly.

"Can list what has triggered you so far?" Donnie questions nervously.

"Umm..well… Leo grabbing me when I was trying to leave, seeing Shredder's hideout, my own thoughts- those ones usually aren't bad though, they are easy to snap out of."

"What do you say to getting off this floor and trying to talk about it?" Raph suggested.

I grimaced. I don't wanna move or talk about it, but they don't seem to understand that.

"They understand Mikey, but they also want to help." Icey yawned. "I agree with them. You should talk about it."

"How can I hear you?" I thought to myself. "And what did you mean before when you said that it's only for now?"

She yawned again, "A conversation for another time child. Just know not to worry if our connection goes silent now and again. And while you may not be able to hear me I always hear you."

"So I should tell them everything?" I ask my fluffy friend.

"Yes, also you should close that portal." She spoke with her eyes closed tiredly. "Oh and Mikey it is best if you our conversations remain a secret until you understand better."

I nod in understanding, "Ok." I turn my attention back to my awaiting family. "Ok I'll tell you all that I remember. However," I look down at Icey's sleeping form. "Let's stay here. I don't wanna wake her."

They all nodded in an understanding way, "In that case let's get some blankets, so it's a bit less chilly." Leo rises, making his way out of the room.

I smile down at Icey, remembering what she had said I reached for the kraang remote and shut off the portal. What kind of creature can speak through thoughts? I rub her massive head gently, wondering what April and Casey would think of her. I haven't seen them in a long while, I hope they're doing good.

I was pulled from my thoughts as something soft was draped over my shoulders; Leo returned with the heaviest blankets he could find. I waited for my brothers to situate themselves before starting.

"Ok Mikey we're ready." Leo announces as he leans forward to give my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

I breathed deeply, finding strength in the comfort of Icey's weight, "Well as soon as you guys escaped I fought. You would've been proud at how long I lasted. I wasn't fighting to escape, I was fighting to by you dudes time to put in some distance, kinda inspired me to put my all into it. I was gassed. That was the only reason I didn't make it out; fishface used blinding gas on me. Almost as soon as my sight was gone I was hit over the head and knocked out…"

I spoke as they looked on with expressions of a child watching a horror movie glued to their faces.

"When I woke up-well lets just say no amount of training could have prepared me for what came next..."


	9. Chapter 9

Day 1:

My head was pounding as I tried to recall what had hit me. Every inch of me felt as if Rocksteady had plowed me right into a brick wall.

"Ugh." I moaned as I stretched my neck slowly.

The room I was in was darker than a cloudy night, colder than one too. The cold pricked at my skin until I shook. It was no worse the the sewer tunnels in the harsh winter, but at least in the tunnels I could eventually find my way back to our warm home.

Icy Iron shackles kept me dangling from the wall almost too dramatically. No matter how hard a thrashed they held fast.

I hope my bro's got far enough away before I was caught. Tears formed quickly at the thought of them being captured. No, they got away I know they did. I watched every enemy carefully to make sure none followed them.

'They probably searched for them after chaining me up.' I thought sadly.

'But they didn't find them. They couldn't have; I bought them enough time.' I cried to myself.

I wonder if I'll ever see them again. My brothers, my father, my friends. Are they looking for me? Or am I just a fading memory now? Tears stream down my face at the thought. They've never abandoned me before, so they won't now.

I grin to the darkness, "Now I just gotta survive whatevers gonna come." I say to no one.

In this cold unforgiving cell I have no means of keeping track of time. It had felt like an eternity by the time my captors had decided to come see me. I heard them coming, their footsteps loud on the stone floor. It was almost a relief to hear them, the silence of the dungeon was driving me insane.

I heard a key click into place and then I was blinded by a simple light bulb once they opened the door. With squinted eyes I stared at the monster in front of me. As per usually he resembled a cheese grater only uglier. His pets loomed behind him-how he gets a cat and a dog to get along is beyond me.

Without uttering a word Shredder marched up to me and punched me on my jaw. My head snaps to the side by the force of his hit. I could feel the blood dripping from my mouth.

"That the best you got?" I taunt-truly a bad idea. My mouth is dry, how long has it been since I had a drink?

He turns away from me, "Your family had escaped thanks to your idiocy and now I have exactly what I needed."

He spun on his heels, landing a fist to my stomach. I bit my lip as pain swelled in my lower abdomen. "Scream for me turtle!" His gruff voice demanded as he landed another hit to my ribcage. I sucked in a sharp breath, but didn't scream-I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

"So that's your plan huh? Torture until I talk? I thought you'd get a bit more creative." I distracted.

I had already narrowed it down to a few possible plans; torture being the best of them. Based on what his end goal is I figured he was going to either torture me until I talked or use me as bait to lure out master Splinter and my brothers. My family will come for me eventually, that I know. But they will come on their own terms, not his. And until they come I will do my best to escape or die keeping them safe.

"Tell me where your family is hiding." Shredder demanded.

I looked up to meet his eye, "Yeah...I'm not really a big fan of that option. What else ya got?"

Pain flared up in my hand consuming my body and mind; I let out a sharp gasp. Shredder was uncomfortably close to my face, one arm raised up to keep his gauntlet blades piercing through my hand. It was then that I really realized the severity of my situation. Looking into his eyes I saw a monster. I clever monster with a plan to destroy everything I hold dear. Shredder is not stupid like his henchmen; I cannot simply outsmart him. At that moment, as my blood dripped down the length of my arm, I knew whether my family come or not I was not making it out of here alive.

With his hot breath on my face he spoke, "I will make it very simple for you turtle. Either you tell me where Hamato Yoshi is and I will make your death quick and mostly painless. Or I will visit you every day, torturing you slowly, never giving you a chance to heal until you body begins to rot while you're still alive. And I will never grace you with death; I'll leave you to suffer for as long as it takes to break you." he grins at the thought. "So what will it be?"

My eyes widen at his threat as white hot tears threaten to fall. Maybe I could buy some time and lie about my family's location? No that could backfire too easily. Telling the truth was a big fat no and on top of my options: I am not ready to die.

He's slowly moving his blade side to side,expanding the wound. This pain is nothing compared to a few passed injuries I have had. I breathed to expel the pain as master Splinter has taught us; it still tingles but ultimately it worked. I move my fingers just to make sure I still can. I truly believe that I have a naturally high pain tolerance hence why I almost always get back up faster than my brothers. With the combination of that and the breathing techniques there's only one option for me.

"Option two sounds pretty fun! I'll go with the rotting flesh, torture of never dying." I say with the biggest smile I could muster.

Shredder swiftly retracts his blade only to run the tip if it from my wound to my shoulder. I hold onto Splinters lessons.

He shouts angrily, "You will come to regret your choice real soon!" He turns to leave. As the door shuts behind him I hear him shout "No food or water for three days!"

What did I get myself into?

Day 5:

Well a good week has passed now...I think. Shredder made good on his promises, even going above and beyond them at some points. I went the full three days without food or water, but not a day without some kind of pain. It started out as punches and cuts only to escalate rather quickly to stabbing and bone breaking.

If I could see myself would I even recognize my own face? I could feel how swollen my body was. My thumb, witch he had broken earlier today, was unbendable. The hole in my hand from the first visit still bled if I tried to stretch my fingers. My mouth tasted like metal and I would be in shock if none of my ribs were at least cracked by now. By far the most painful wounds were those left from the shackles. Thought not deep, the wounds were definitely irritated and the shackles were always there to make it worse.

Shredder personally came to visit me twice a day; always getting more creative with his sadistic methods. He wants me alive so now and again he pours rubbing alcohol onto my wounds- usually only to give me a new one shortly after.

I grit my teeth in pain. My tolerance is running out; the pain is constant, never letting up even when I sleep.

I wonder how Donnie would have handled this situation? I think as the pipes in the walls come alive with running water. I sigh to myself, he'd have gotten out by now. They all would have. 'Except for me of course.' I cry as ice cold water pours over my body. I begin to shiver almost instantly. Once a day I get to 'shower' for a solid twenty minutes. This 'shower' will either be ice cold or scolding hot, most of the time its cold.

"Why haven't they rescued me yet?" I sob to myself. I felt cold and alone and abandoned. I know they didn't abandon me, but I need them now. I wanted to feel Raphs surprisingly gentle fist against my shoulder when I say something stupid, I wanted to hear Donnie's nerdy voice explaining things I don't understand, I wanted Leo to hold me through this nightmare.

I continue to cry through the rest of the shower and for a short while afterwards. Only stopping when I heard footsteps outside my prison.

The door swing open to reveal tigerclaw, "You're coming with me."

Day 8:

I spend the nights in my cell, no longer shackled to the cold stone wall. During the day they give me a chance to fight. They drag me into a dojo and there I remain from sun up to sun down for any foot members to see if they can best me. Of course I'm given no weapon, but I have won a few rounds usually earlier in the day before they exhaust me. Between my injuries and sore muscle my body protests every move I make, yet I fight on to the best of my abilities. I am surviving for now.

Day 10:

God damn in! I failed! I was nearly free and I failed! Today I went up against the Shredder himself. The price of my freedom on the line. The door was open behind him letting in a nice breeze. He told me that if I could get out that door I was free to go.

I should've known it was a trick. But I was so desperate for fresh air, so desperate to be free, to return home. I was so stupid! I ignored my foe entirely, only focusing on getting out the door. That was my mistake. I could bounce around Shredder all day any day with the exception of right now. The passed four days were spent wearing me down, tiring me out for this moment. They knew that in a fight I wouldn't stand a chance, but my dodging skills were impeccable. Normally I am the fastest in my family, rivaled with master Splinter himself, but not now.

I was sluggish and my movements were sloppy. My muscles ache as I felt my week old wounds rip back open. For the most part I was doing good, with the exception of a few close calls here and there. The door was soon mere feet away. But this was his torture of today.

I did escape and he caught me just as I could feel the fresh air hit my lungs. But I fought, I fought and cried as he gained the upper hand, it hurt. The pain unimaginable, he snapped my arm like a twig and didn't stop there. Throwing me to the ground he kicked me until I flew across the room, landing again pathetically close to the open door.

He laughed as I crawled desperately to the only escape I had. He let me taste the freedom before pulling me back by my broken arm. I cried harder! I can't go back! No, help me! Anyone! Leo, Raph, Don! Papa! Please save me!

Day 15:

I accept that my family hasn't been able to save me. Be it from wounds the sustained during their escape or simply that they didn't want to. I was alone. I was going to die alone. I was done fighting the fog that clouded my mind.

With that mentality in place, I didn't struggle when they roughly dragged me from me cell by my broken arm. Nor did I fight them when they secured me to a chair with my broken arm painfully extended. With my hand flat on the metal armrest the crushed my fingers one by one with a hammer. Pain radiated up my arm as the fog took over my mind. I bit my tongue to keep the screams at bay.

I looked to the sky lights, wanting to look for shapes in the clouds one last time. Remembering the good old days that now seemed lost in the passed. The sun was rising with a powerful orange color that overtook the room.

'I am their sunshine' that's what they all said to me when illness nearly took me a good three years back. I remember letting this same fog calmly taking over me, ready to meet my end. Death has never scared me for I know it's a part of life. Those three years ago I was too tired to keep battling the poison that had taken over my bloodstream. I had no control over that though, I had just laid there hoping that the antidote Don whipped up would work. There was nothing I could do. Much like now.

The foot clan gathered around me, watching with eager eyes to see if today was my final day. I was to in awe at the sunrise to care. I wonder if the sun ever wants to stop burning? To have such immense responsibility as to keep an entire planet alive must be tiring. I couldn't help but smile. The sun glowed my favorite color as Shredder sauntered towards me. Again I paid no mind to him finding the sun almost to inspirational to look away from.

I felt the pain of someone holding my arm by the wrist and closed my eyes unwilling to watch what they were doing. The orange sunlight lit up my eyelids and suddenly the will to live floods back into me...a little too late.

Something heavy and jagged clamped down onto my broken arm. I could feel the blood spitting out from the fresh wound. Everything slowed down in that moment as my eyes flew open. My heart pounded painfully in my chest when I see a bear trap clamped onto my elbow. My screams were muffled by my dry throat.

No amount of breathing was going to make this pain lessen, so I took it and fueled myself.

"Tell me where your family is and I will end your pain right now." Shredder bargained.

I gathered the blood that was dripping down my throat and spat it into his face, "You'll have to kill me."

A manic laugh broke through Shredder's mouth, "Oh Michelangelo, but I can cause you so much more pain when you're alive". He plunged his blade through my bicep and I bit my lip to keep from crying out. "You think you're being brave?! You are foolish! You. Will. Break!"

"Not before you." I half grinned. I will gladly accept my death as long as Shredder loses.

Fueled by rage from my comment, Shredder lifted his armor clad first high above my head and brought it down to meet my skull with a sickening thump. The fog spread quickly through my mind, trying to banish the pain.

"Get away from my son!" A familiar voice commanded.

The sound of a battle filled the air around me, blades clashing. Was I finally being saved?

"Guys?" I whispered before giving in to the dense fog.


End file.
